The Beverage List
Libations from Parallel Realities
Health Inspector Reports
We've Been Shut Down in 9 Dimensions (and Counting)
Inspection Date: March 14, 2024
"The pastrami attempted to file a labor complaint during our visit. The walk-in freezer opens into what the owner calls 'a pocket dimension' but what I call 'a zoning violation.' Found 14 species of cheese, 3 of which are not recognized by any earthly taxonomy. The mustard appeared to know my name before I introduced myself. Shut down pending investigation into whether a sandwich can legally unionize."
— Inspector Harold Flemming, FDA
Inspection Date: Meatday, 42nd of Brisket
"All meat is sentient, as is proper and legally required. Kitchen staff have excellent rapport with ingredients — the pastrami and head chef appear to be in a book club together. Only violation: the rye bread is not alive, which is considered 'creepy' under Meatlands Health Code §47.3. Recommended: give the bread feelings."
— Inspector Brisket Jones III, Meatlands Health Authority
Inspection Date: [REDACTED] / [TIME IS A CIRCLE]
"Inspector entered the establishment. Inspector looked at the menu. The menu looked back. Inspector attempted to examine the kitchen. The kitchen was 'elsewhere.' Inspector found the walk-in cooler to be dimensionally non-Euclidean and 'unsettling in a way that words fail to capture.' The lettuce whispered. Requesting reassignment to a universe with fewer eldritch sandwich components."
— Inspector ████████, Void Health Commission
Inspection Date: Gravday 77, Cycle 9
"Everything appears to be in order, if extraordinarily heavy. The soup du jour collapsed a table during demonstration. Three inspectors required medical leave due to attempting to lift a grilled cheese. The building itself appears to be slowly sinking into the foundation. Dr. Gloop insists this is 'character.' Health code compliant, technically, if you redefine 'safe' to include 'probably won't create a singularity.'"
— Inspector Dense McThickton, Gravity Standards Bureau
Customer Reviews
Testimonials from Across the Multiverse
"I ordered the Sentient Pastrami and it told me I looked nice today. No sandwich has ever been that kind to me. I cried. The sandwich also cried. We're friends now. I visit on Tuesdays and we discuss philosophy. 5 stars, would emotionally bond with deli meat again."
— Gertrude Finklebottom, Universe 1-A
"The Quantum Club Sandwich was delicious in at least 4 of the 7 states I observed it in. In two states it was a soup, and in one state it was a strongly-worded letter from my mother. Docking one star because the bill arrived before I ordered, which felt presumptuous."
— Dr. Heisenberg (no relation), Universe 12-Q
"Ḯ̸ ̷c̵o̵n̷s̸u̷m̵e̶d̶ ̸t̸h̸e̴ ̶E̷l̴d̴r̶i̴t̶c̷h̶ ̶B̵L̸T̴.̷ I̸ ̶h̵a̸v̵e̴ ̷s̴e̸e̷n̸ ̵t̵h̴e̶ ̸t̵r̷u̷t̷h̸. The lettuce showed me dimensions beyond dimensions. I now speak fluent Tomato. The bacon and I have merged consciousness. I give it 8 stars out of a possible 5. The rating system is an illusion."
— The Entity Formerly Known as Brad, Universe 66-Ω
"Ordered the Graviton Grilled Cheese. It fell through my table, then through the floor, and is currently descending toward the Earth's core. The waitstaff said this 'happens sometimes' and offered me a complimentary breadstick. The breadstick also fell through the table. 2 stars. The ambiance was nice though."
— Sir Reginald Plonk, Universe 9-G
"As Ambassador to 14 realities, I've eaten at every establishment in the known multiverse. The Diplomatic Pouch resolved a 300-year trade dispute between my delegation and the Cheese People of Sector 4. We signed the treaty on the wrapper. The pickle was a nice touch."
— Ambassador Xyl'thrax, Universe 3-D
"Came for the Future Mustard Reuben. The mustard already knew my order, my name, and my deepest regrets. It was deeply unsettling and absolutely delicious. The sauerkraut gave me a vision of the year 2847 — hovercars exist but they still can't figure out a good airport. Minus one star because the mustard spoiled the ending of a book I haven't read yet."
— Chronobarista Pete, Universe 1-F
Reservations Policy
Please Read Carefully (in All 3 Timelines)
Step 1: Submit Your Reservation
Reservations must be made simultaneously in three (3) timelines: your past, your present, and one alternate future of your choosing. If your past self does not remember making the reservation, it will be canceled retroactively and you will be charged a Temporal Inconvenience Fee of 5 Chronobucks.
Step 2: Confirm Your Identity
Due to recent incidents involving doppelgängers from Universe 4-X, all guests must present valid ID from at least two (2) parallel realities. Acceptable forms include: interdimensional passport, Void Residency Card, Meatlands Citizenship Slab, or a notarized letter from a sentient condiment vouching for your existence.
Step 3: Paradox Waiver
All guests must sign the Dr. Gloop's Paradox Liability Waiver™, acknowledging that dining at our establishment may result in: meeting an alternate version of yourself, receiving a bill for a meal you haven't eaten yet, or temporarily ceasing to exist between the appetizer and entrée courses. Dr. Gloop's is not responsible for ontological crises occurring during dessert.
Step 4: Seating Preferences
Please indicate your preferred seating dimension: Euclidean (standard 3D), Non-Euclidean (the booth is bigger on the inside), or Theoretical (the table may or may not exist — popular with quantum physicists and people who enjoy surprises). Window seats overlook a void. The void is having a nice day.
Step 5: Cancellation Policy
Cancellations must be made at least 48 hours before AND after your reservation. Yes, this means you must cancel in the future as well. Failure to cancel in both temporal directions will result in your reservation being locked in a causal loop and your table being permanently reserved for all eternity. A 15% Eternity Surcharge applies.
Gratuity
A mandatory 18% gratuity is applied to parties of 6 or more (across all timelines combined). If your future self already tipped, please verify with the Temporal Ledger at the hostess stand. Tipping in Schrödollars is acceptable but the amount will remain uncertain until the server opens the check. The pastrami does not accept tips. It finds the concept demeaning.